Do you ever feel like your toddler or young child must be getting paid just to push your buttons??

I mean, they’re experts at it and they do it all the time. They must be getting some incentive for it!

Really, it is just your child’s nature to push the limits and test the boundaries. You may feel they’re being naughty, but they’re really just trying to learn about the world around them. If you can reframe your thinking about what’s really going on, 1) you won’t be as frustrated when they start to test you, and 2) you’ll be able to use your limit setting as a teachable moment.

Providing boundaries for your child will actually help them feel safe and secure and teach them about how the world around them works.

What are boundaries?

Other words that come to mind when thinking about boundaries include lines, borders, confines, limits, and edges, just to name a few. As parents, it’s our job to keep our children safe – physically, mentally, and emotionally. We may do this by providing physical boundaries like a car seat, a crib, or even strapping them into the cart at the store. We may teach them more abstract boundaries about stranger danger or the expectations for how to act when you go out to eat at a restaurant.

Physical Boundaries

Physical boundaries are put in place to keep your child safe. You’ll babyproof your house. You’ll provide a crib for your child to sleep in. You’ll make sure if there’s a pool in your backyard, you have a fence around it. You will probably put a baby gate at the top and bottom of your stairs.

Over time, these physical boundaries can be removed as your child matures and learns to be safe without them. It’s probably obvious that if you remove a physical boundary too soon, there’s a higher chance of an accident or injury occurring.

Abstract Boundaries

Abstract boundaries are definitely harder for parents to put into place and follow through with, simply because they’re not tangible.

Some of the first abstract boundaries we put into place often come with feeding or sleep. For example, you may choose to feed your 8-month-old baby only in a well-lit area of your home to set the expectation that feeding occurs during the daytime rather than at night. Sometimes we don’t even realize we’re setting a boundary!

As your child gets older, you may need to set more boundaries with bedtime, like, only reading two books during the bedtime routine. And with each passing year, they’ll try to test these boundaries to see if that really is the limit or if they can get away with more.

Children are natural boundary pushers. This is normal. This is how they learn about the world around them.

A child cannot learn about the world around them without pushing boundaries to see what the limits are. If they don’t try to jump off the furniture at least a few times, they’ll never learn that it may actually hurt them. Sometimes they feel the need to push the boundary enough to learn the hard way. Obviously, as the parent, you can help them learn within reasonable limits, and you would never allow them to push so far that they would do great bodily harm.

Let’s say you’re wanting to set the boundary that there is an expectation that we clean up after ourselves.

Your child is happily playing with some cars, and you see him eye up the full container of blocks. He walks over to it, but instead of taking out one block at a time to construct his masterpiece, he picks up the whole container, looks at you with a grin, and you just know he’s about to dump it out and make a huge mess.

He does. You teach him how to clean it up. You remind him, “When we make a mess, we also clean it up!”

The next day rolls around and he goes back to the blocks. Because you know what he’s about to do, you remind him of what happened yesterday. Here’s your chance to hold the boundary.

How to hold healthy boundaries for your child.

First, you can remind your child of the expectation, saying, “Remember, we clean up after ourselves. If you dump all those blocks out, you’re going to have to pick them all back up when you’re done, before we can do XYZ.”

Maybe your child will remember their experience from yesterday and decide to only take out one block at a time. Or, maybe they’ll decide to test you to see if you really mean what you say.

They dump all the blocks out of the container again.

This is where some parents may falter with their boundary holding; they’ll either clean up the blocks themselves or leave them out. Instead, you must follow through with what you said was going to happen – your child needs to pick them up.

This cycle may repeat a few times as your child learns the boundary. Before you know it, they’ll be picking up their blocks every time they dump them out or use them.

Following through with what you say you’re going to do is essential in order to teach healthy boundaries and for helping your child learn and know that you can be trusted. Providing boundaries for your child is not mean, and, in fact, having consistent boundaries will actually make your child feel safe and secure because they know you do what you say you’re going to do.

The more you can follow through with little boundaries like the block situation, the easier your child will comply with bigger boundaries in the future, like listening when you say to not run in the parking lot.

Boundaries around sleep.

My son loves to sleep with some “buddies” – his stuffed animals.

Our rule was that he could sleep with two of his buddies. Then, one night, he asked my husband if he could have another. Of course, he said yes. In the beginning, it was “You can sleep with two buddies,” and now we’re up to five! Every single night my son will test it. If you break your boundary even once, you can expect that your child will constantly ask you over and over again because they NEVER FORGET!

Obviously, this boundary isn’t a huge deal-breaker because in the end he still goes to sleep and stays asleep all night, but there are some boundaries that can be a real struggle for families. Here’s a list of some limits you can set at bedtime:

How many books you’ll read during the bedtime routine
How many stuffed animals your child can sleep with
How many pee breaks they can take at night
Using a crib for a young child (less than 3 years old)
Having a baby gate at the door for a young child or toddler who constantly gets out of their bed
Turning the knob and LOCKING the door. This is not being mean, this is a safety concern! This is something we had to do with my son – I do not want my child roaming the house unsupervised at night
“Crib the room” if your child gets out of bed to play at night – essentially, turn the bedroom into a giant crib. The only thing needed is a bed, pillow, and blanket. Remove toys and other furniture. As your child learns to stay in bed, you can put the items back in the room
Sticker charts can be helpful in teaching new boundaries and can reinforce the behavior you’re wanting to see – you can wean away from the sticker chart as your child learns the boundary and the skills become solidified

Other Tips for Holding Boundaries as Parents

I’ll leave you with these final tips:

Make sure all caregivers are on board and aware of the expectations you’re attempting to implement with the child.
Be consistent.
Follow through; say what you mean and mean what you say.
Don’t set a boundary you can’t keep.

If you’re struggling with setting and holding boundaries for your child around sleep, reach out to me for help!